Guide
How to Date a Goth: What They Wish You Knew First
For the curious, the hopeful and the goths themselves: what goes down well, what gets you blocked, and how to plan a night out in black.
How do you date a goth?
Treat the look as taste rather than a costume, ask about the music, the books and the clothes, plan dates with atmosphere and room to talk, keep your hands to yourself until you're invited, and never try to coax them into colour. Do goths date non-goths? All the time. Curiosity counts for far more than your wardrobe.
This guide is for adults, 18+, on both sides of the velvet rope: people who fancy a goth and want to get it right, and goths seeing someone who owns a beige raincoat and isn't remotely sorry about it.
Do goths date non-goths?
Plenty do, and plenty of good flings and regular things started with one person in black and one in a fleece. Some goths prefer to date inside the scene because it makes nights out simpler: the same clubs, the same records, nobody asking why the curtains are always shut. That's a preference, not a rule, and it's worth reading a profile for it rather than guessing.
What decides it is attitude. A goth who agrees to a date with a non-goth is usually hoping for someone who finds the scene interesting rather than funny, who asks real questions, and who won't spend the evening trying to work out whether it's a phase. Turn up as yourself, with your own interests, and you're already ahead of the people who arrive with a fancy-dress idea of what a goth is.
What goths tend to look for in a date
Questions, not commentary
"Is that lace vintage?" opens a conversation. "Bit dramatic for a Tuesday, isn't it?" closes one. Every goth has heard the remarks; very few hear good questions.
Taste worth arguing about
Opinions on films, books and records go down well, even ones they disagree with. A friendly row about the best era of a genre beats polite nodding every time.
Patience with the getting ready
Backcombing, liner, lace and buckles take time, so leave a margin when you plan. A message saying the wings need one more go is craft, not rudeness.
A dark sense of humour
Goths are rarely gloomy company. Expect jokes about mortality, Victorian mourning habits and the weather, delivered completely straight, and laugh where it's earned.
Comfort with the night
Evenings are prime time. Suggest a late start rather than brunch at ten, and don't treat midnight as a deadline unless you both have work in the morning.
Ordinary good manners
Reply to messages, turn up when you said you would, and say thank you. It isn't a scene secret, though it's rarer than a good pair of boots.
How to talk to a goth without the tired lines
The quickest way to impress a goth is to skip the jokes they hear from strangers and ask about the things they chose. Their style, their music and their hobbies are on display precisely because they care about them. Ask about those first and the rest of the evening tends to look after itself.
- Retire: "Is it a phase?"
- For many of them the phase has outlasted every phone they've owned and shows no sign of stopping. Ask what got them into the scene instead.
- Retire: "You'd look so pretty in colour."
- A compliment wrapped around a request to change. Praise what's actually there: the silver, the hair, the cut of the coat.
- Retire: "So, are you a vampire?"
- It was mildly funny the first time, in a decade nobody remembers. Try "what are you reading?" and watch the conversation open up.
- Retire: "Cheer up."
- A neutral face isn't a sad one. Plenty of goths are perfectly happy and simply don't grin at strangers.
- Ask: "What would you put on at two in the morning?"
- Music questions are the scene's handshake, and this one gets a better answer than "what bands do you like?"
Online, the same logic applies. Pick one detail from their profile and ask about it in two or three lines; our first message tips go further. Keep compliments to choices rather than bodies, and let them set the pace on anything flirtier.
Dating a goth girl, a goth guy, or a goth who is neither
The advice above works for everyone, whoever you are and whoever you're hoping to meet. A few things come up often enough to mention.
Goth women get a constant stream of remarks about their looks, from compliments that tip into creepy to strangers who want to touch their hair. Talk about anything else first and you'll stand out. If she wears a corset to the date, that tells you she likes corsets, and nothing more.
Goth men often wear eyeliner, nail varnish, lace, skirts or heeled boots, and some have spent years fielding jokes about it. If that's new to you, keep it to curiosity. Nobody wants to spend the night defending their mascara.
Plenty of goths don't fit either box, and the scene has long been relaxed about gender. Use the name they give you, and if you're unsure how someone would like to be referred to, ask once, politely, and remember the answer. When you join 2cool2date you say who you want to meet, and the choices run past a man or a woman to LGBTQ and other options.
Planning dates a goth will actually enjoy
Atmosphere beats expense. A goth would usually rather spend an evening somewhere with old stone, low light or loud music than at a bright chain restaurant at noon. A few ideas that suit a first meeting:
- A second-hand bookshop crawl. Hunt for the oddest gothic novel on the shelves, then compare finds over coffee.
- A historic house or abbey ruin in the late afternoon. Crumbling architecture is a gift to conversation, and there are other visitors around.
- A silent horror film with live music. Old screenings like these turn up at independent cinemas and give you plenty to pick apart afterwards.
- A glasshouse or botanical garden at dusk. Carnivorous plants, poisonous ones and dramatic lighting, with benches for talking.
Before you book anywhere, check the dress code. Some bars still turn away heavy boots or anything with spikes, and a goth will not thank you for a night spent arguing with a doorman. Let them choose the venue now and then; their favourite haunt says a lot about them. There are more suggestions in our alternative date ideas, and the meeting safely guide covers the practical side of any first meeting.
Meeting their friends, and their club night
Sooner or later you may be invited to a goth night. It's a good sign. A plain black outfit will see you through; full costume bought for the occasion will not. Nobody expects you to know the songs.
Don't stare, and never photograph anyone without asking. Dancing at these nights ranges from slow, swaying arm movements to stomping in heavy boots, and there's no wrong way to join in, and sitting a song out with a drink is allowed too. The smoking area or the bar queue is where the friends will size you up. Ask them how they know your date, admire something they're wearing, and resist the urge to call the music depressing. It isn't, to them, and you're a guest.
If you're the goth, dating someone who isn't
Don't set a test. Quizzing a new date on obscure records or the history of the scene tells them you'd rather be right than be on a date. Share what you're into the way you'd show someone round your favourite city: with enthusiasm and no exam at the end.
Take them somewhere gentle first, a quieter gig or a pub with a decent jukebox, before the four-hour club night. Ask about their world too. If they spend Saturdays at a football ground or a climbing wall, going along once costs you nothing and earns you a great deal. You never have to tone down your look for anyone, but choosing your battles at their mate's birthday drinks is a skill worth having.
Consent comes before compliments
Hair, corsets, chokers, piercings and fresh ink all belong to the person wearing them. Ask before you touch any of it, and accept "no" without a sulk. Dressing to be looked at is not the same as agreeing to anything, on a first date or a fifth.
The same goes for photos. A striking outfit is not an invitation to take a picture or post one. If you'd like a shot together, ask, and if they say no, put the phone away. The site's own rules say it plainly: "no" means move on.
Where to find goths who want to date
On 2cool2date you can browse goth dating profiles, read members' posts in Spaces to get a feel for their humour before you write, and check the suggestions that arrive each day, matched on things like how far apart you live, the ages you're open to and the interests you have in common. Upgrading to VIP brings advanced search and the members-only chat rooms; the pricing page lists what each plan costs.
Offline, the obvious places are club nights, gigs and alternative markets. Our guide to where to meet alternative singles covers each one, and how to say hello without becoming an anecdote.
Dating a goth: what people ask
Do goths date non-goths?
Yes, often. Some prefer someone from the scene for the shared nights out, but plenty are happy to date anyone who is curious, respectful and doesn't treat their style as a joke.
Is dating a goth different from dating anyone else?
Mostly no. Honesty, good manners and turning up on time matter just as much. The differences are in the details: later nights, darker venues, and a date who may take longer to get ready than you do.
How do I impress a goth on a first date?
Ask good questions about their style, music and interests, pick a place with some atmosphere, and leave the vampire jokes at home. Genuine curiosity impresses more than any outfit you could buy for the night.
Is it OK to ask a goth about their style?
Yes, as long as you ask with interest rather than surprise. "How long did that take?" or "who taught you that trick with the liner?" goes down well. Questions about whether their family minds, or what they'll wear when they're older, do not.
Where can I meet goths to date?
Start online: on 2cool2date, a goth's profile shows their style and their part of the scene before you send a word. Offline, goth and darkwave nights, smaller gigs and alternative markets are the usual places.
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