Guide

Questions to Ask a Goth: 40 That Beat Small Talk

From the first chat to the third coffee, grouped by mood, with the handful of questions every goth is tired of hearing.

What should you ask a goth on a first date?

Ask about the things they chose: the music they play on repeat, how their style started, how they spend a night, what they're reading. Questions about choices invite stories. Questions about their look, or whether it's a phase, invite a polite smile and an early exit.

Goths are people first, so most good first-date questions work for anyone. The ones below are tuned to the scene, sorted from easy openers to the late-night deep ones, with a flirty set for when you're both clearly enjoying yourselves.

Don't fire all 40 in a row. That's not a date, it's an interview with candles. Pick three or four, answer them yourself too, and follow wherever the answers lead.

Questions about music and nights out

The easiest way in. Almost everyone in the scene arrived through a song, and most will happily tell you which one.

What have you had on repeat this week, and is it a new obsession or an old one?
Which album would you grab first if the flat flooded?
What was your first gig, and who took you?
Front row, or back by the bar?
Which genre would you defend in an argument, knowing you'd probably lose?
What's the best club night you've ever been to, and what made it special?
Is there a song that gets you dancing wherever you are, even in a supermarket?
If you could watch any band from any decade play a tiny room, which decade would you pick?

Questions about style, ink and the wardrobe

Asking about someone's style is a compliment when it's about their choices. Keep it to the clothes, the art and the effort, never their body.

When did you start dressing the way you do now?
Which piece in your wardrobe would you never give up?
How long does your eyeliner take on a good day, and on a bad one?
Is there a story behind your favourite tattoo, or is it simply good art?
What's next on your list: more ink, a new piercing or neither?
Where do you find your clothes: charity shops, makers or your own sewing machine?
What's the strangest thing a stranger has said about your look?
Boots you can walk in, or boots that look incredible: which wins?

If you're planning the outfit for the date itself, our guide to goth date outfits has ideas for every kind of evening.

Questions about night-owl life and the everyday

The scene is a big part of someone's life, not all of it. These find the rest.

Are you properly nocturnal, or a goth who's up at seven for work?
What does a perfect Sunday look like for you?
What are you reading at the moment?
What's your comfort film for a rainy night in?
Cats, dogs or something with more legs?
What do you do for work, and does anyone there know about the boots?
What's a hobby you've picked up lately?
Where's the oddest place you've found yourself at three in the morning?

Deeper questions for later in the evening

Save these until the conversation is flowing. They're the ones that turn a pleasant evening into one you both remember.

What draws you to the darker side of things?
Which old superstition do you secretly follow?
Do you believe in ghosts, or just enjoy a good ghost story?
What used to scare you that you now find beautiful?
What would you change about the scene if you could?
What's something you've changed your mind about in the last few years?
What does a good friend look like to you?
What would you want the playlist at your own wake to say about you?

Flirty questions, once you're both enjoying it

Only when the signs are good on both sides. If an answer comes back short, or the subject gets changed, go back to safer ground and stay there.

What's the first thing you notice about someone?
What's your idea of a perfect late night with someone you fancy?
Lipstick on a glass or liner smudged by midnight: which is the better sign of a good night?
What's the best compliment anyone has paid one of your outfits?
Are you a slow-burn flirt or a say-it-straight one?
What's a date you'd secretly like someone to suggest?
Which of your outfits should I see next time?
Fancy carrying on this conversation somewhere with better lighting?

Flirting is a two-way thing. Keep it suggestive rather than explicit, and remember that an outfit, however daring, is never a yes.

Questions every goth is tired of hearing

Every one of these has been asked at a bus stop by a stranger. On a date, they suggest you've already decided who the other person is.

"Is it just a phase?": For many people it has lasted decades. Asking implies you're waiting for them to grow out of it.
"Do you worship the devil?": The single most tired joke in the scene. Funny once, about thirty years ago.
"Why are you always so sad?": Black clothes are a taste in clothes. Plenty of goths are cheerful, chatty and disgracefully silly.
"Will you dress normally when we meet?": They will dress like themselves, which is the person you said yes to.
"How far do your tattoos go?": Questions about anyone's body are for much later, if they're ever invited. Ask about the art instead.
"What do your parents think?": It treats an adult's style as something needing permission. Let them bring family up if they want to.

Turning a question into a conversation

A good question is only half the work. The follow-up is where you find out who someone is.

Answer your own question. Share your first gig after they share theirs, so it feels like a swap.
Ask "why" or "what happened next". Two follow-ups on one answer beat five new questions.
Notice what lights them up. If they talk twice as fast about sewing their own corsets, stay on corsets.
Let a silence sit. A pause over coffee is fine. Nobody needs a question every eleven seconds.

On 2cool2date, the same questions make good first messages. Pick one tied to something on their profile, add a line about you, and send it. Our first message tips go further, and when you're ready to meet, the meeting safely guide and our alternative date ideas help with the plan.

2cool2date is for adults only, 18+: goths, emos, punks, metalheads and tattooed and pierced singles, and the people who fancy them. More on the scene is on the goth dating page and across our guides.

Questions about asking questions

What are good questions to ask a goth girl?

Ask what you'd ask anyone you fancy, tuned to her world: what she's listening to, how her style started, the best night out she's had and what she's reading. Ask about her choices, never about her body.

What should you never ask a goth?

Whether it's a phase, whether they worship the devil, why they're always sad, or whether they'll dress normally to meet you. Each one says you've judged them before they've spoken.

How many questions should I ask on a first date?

Fewer than you think. Three or four good questions with real follow-ups, and your own answers in between, make a better evening than twenty in a row.

Do these questions work for emos, punks and metalheads?

Most of them, yes. Swap the club night for a gig and the eyeliner for a battle jacket and they fit any alternative scene. Our emo dating and metalhead dating pages have more on each.

Can I use one of these as a first message?

Yes. The music and style questions make good openers, especially when you tie them to something on the other person's profile. Keep the deeper and flirtier ones for later.

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